Fixing the First Page Feature #38

Photo credit: Matt Henry photos on Flickr

September is nearly here, retail stores are transitioning to their fall collections, and summer is at an end. But of course, the end of the month means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: DRAWN IN 2

Genre/Category: YA fantasy (light)

First 250 words:

"She's dazed, the white of her nightshirt standing out like a beacon in the moonlit forest, but it's the circle of guns pointed at her that captures my attention. Four Enforcers surround her, and as I watch from my hiding place behind an oak tree and try to get my bearings, inexplicably, they laugh.

'A little confused, Traveler?' It's the leader who speaks, his rough voice amused at this poor girl's blinking bewilderment. If his beefy stature towering over the others isn't clue enough that he's in charge here, his unremarkable unhandsome face is. It's Donovan, and although the fact that he's not currently threatening me is a nice change, I still shiver, knowing exactly what this stranger in pajamas is feeling.

'Am I... am I dreaming?' She turns a full circle, taking in the men surrounding her. She tosses her long black hair over one shoulder and tentatively reaches out to touch the barrel of one of the guns. 'It feels so real.'

My pulse speeds up and I steady myself, leaning into the tree. I should intervene somehow, do something. But what? I'm as unprepared as this girl is, ripped from my bed in the middle of the night—no warning, no weapon--just me in my Ravenclaw PJs, bare feet sinking into the soft grass. At least I've been here before. This Traveler isn’t quite as savvy.

Donovan sneers. 'Dreaming, huh? Funny, that's what they all think. I keep hoping one of you will be original someday.'"

Interesting start! I like that we're starting in medias res (which is my personal favorite kind of opening), and some of the details and thoughts in there from the narrator definitely helped ground me, even as I tried to figure out what was going on. All in all, pretty well-built foundation here.

Now for the line edits!

"She's dazed, the white of her nightshirt ~~standing out like~~ a beacon in the moonlit forest, ~~but it's the~~ a circle of guns pointed at her ~~that captures my attention~~. Adjustment made both to cut wordiness and remove filtering. Four Enforcers surround her, and as I watch from my hiding place behind an oak tree ~~and try to get my bearings~~, inexplicably, they laugh.

'A little confused, Traveler?' ~~It's~~ tThe leader ~~who~~ speaks, his rough voice amused at this poor girl's blinking bewilderment. If his beefy stature towering over the others isn't clue enough that he's in charge here, his unremarkable ~~unhandsome~~ face is. It's Donovan, and although ~~the fact~~ that he's not currently threatening me is a nice change, I still shiver~~, knowing exactly what this stranger in pajamas is feeling~~. Again, suggested cuts are to lessen wordiness and remove filtering.

'Am I... am I dreaming?' She turns a full circle, taking in the men surrounding her. She tosses her long black hair over one shoulder and tentatively reaches out to touch the barrel of ~~one of the~~ a guns. 'It feels so real.'

My pulse speeds up and I steady myself, leaning into the tree. I should intervene somehow, do something. But what? I'm as unprepared as this girl is, ripped from my bed in the middle of the night—no warning, no weapon—just me in my Ravenclaw PJs, bare feet sinking into the soft grass. Love the Ravenclaw PJs detail! Not only is it a great image but it tells me a little more about your protagonist. At least I've been here before. This Traveler isn’t ~~quite~~ as savvy.

Donovan sneers. 'Dreaming, huh? Funny, that's what they all think. I keep hoping one of you will be original someday.'"

Okay! So the main thing I'm noticing here is wordiness throughout, which is super common, so no worries. I recommend going through your manuscript and reading it aloud—that can help make it easier to spot when you're saying something in five words you can say in two, or when the flow stumbles.

Otherwise, I think this is a pretty solid start. I'm definitely intrigued, and if I saw this in the slush I'd totally keep reading. :)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Sioux!

Twitter-sized bite: